Loss and the need for understanding.

I’ve been quiet. My Uncle and Godfather passed away on Monday. He has always been such a light in my life.  Ever since I can remember he used to tell me that I was going to be a star. I’d be famous and he would be my manager. It used to give me such a giggle. He never once wavered in his support and encouragement of my endeavors. When someone passes you, it leaves this hole in you.  I found this quote that seemed to sum up exactly how I felt about losing him:

“I think the hardest part of losing someone, isn’t having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that’s left inside your heart when they go.” ~sd

I struggled this week. I felt almost like a zombie mom on autopilot. Between bouts of tears and quiet moments reminiscing I muddled through my days. I know that my Uncle wouldn’t want me to be step away from art and all the things that make me happy, because at this point- Netflix, pirates booty and root beer seem to be filling my days, he would want me to find my inner sunshine, my smile and never give up.  So today I grabbed my journal, picked up my charcoal and poured my feelings into the page.

I’ve found that I truly enjoy using charcoal over a clear gessoed page. Normally the gritty texture of the Liquitex clear gesso makes my skin crawl, but there was just something about the scratchy sound as the charcoal grazed across the page and the feel of that grit under my fingers as I smudged my lines that seemed to entrance and calm me.

I added soft pastels for a hint color in her face and then got crazy with the powdered charcoal, spraying acetone to give that bubbled effect.

I know that my Uncle is up in Heaven and is now MY star watching over me. The ache of loss runs so deep, and I know that with time it will ease, but does it ever truly go away?

The outpouring of love from you all over on Instagram has filled my heart with so much love. I am truly blessed and thankful to have you all in my life! Sending lots of love and cyber hugs out to you all today.

Mad Loves and God Bless!